I have been in a
funk for the past few weeks and haven't been online much to read all the lovely blogs I love, or to post on my own blog. So much has happened in the past few weeks, I have been overwhelmed with emotions, but mostly I'm embarrassed to say, I was feeling sorry for myself, which is always pathetic and lame, but it happens from time to time. You see, we were planning a home birth. I had been seeing a midwife from the start of my pregnancy and had already started shopping for my home birth supplies. Only to find out, just two weeks before my six month appointment after a long battle with our insurance company, that they would only cover a small portion of the cost and we would be stuck with a whopping $3,000 out of pocket. I don't know about you, but we just can't swing that, especially when we are doing all we can just to pay our bills. My hubby called all the midwives within a fifty mile radius to try and find another midwife who was in-network or who was less expensive, but no one else in our area does home birth besides the midwife group I was already working with. So I cried and got mad and frustrated and determined to have this baby @ home no matter what, then I became obsessed with researching "unassisted birth" which quickly got the kibosh by my hubby. I was all gung-ho for it, being that I am extremely stubborn, especially when I've made up my mind. But for the safety of Baby Chloe, we are going to leave it to someone more experienced. He was cool with a home birth as long as it was with a certified licensed midwife, but reading up on it on the Internet and then winging it by ourselves, is another story as far as he's concerned. And as my hubby, the voice of reason, said, I could never live with myself if something bad happened, because of my inexperience and the fact that I was too stubborn to go to the hospital, especially when we have complete coverage. He said it would be negligent on our part. I thought to myself I should listen to my hubby, after all in most cases, though I hate to admit it, he is almost always right. I am so glad God gave me such a smart and sensible man. So all that being said, I was still feeling sad and sorry for myself, because I was grieving a lost dream.
But all that was put into perspective when I got a very upsetting call from a dear close friend of mine who was only about a month behind me in her pregnancy, which is pretty far along. She called to let me know she had lost the baby. (and this is not her first miscarriage) Suddenly my problem was no longer on the forefront of my mind and all I could do was pray with her and grieve with her, all the while feeling foolish for acting like a spoiled brat and being thankful instead of grumpy and selfish about my own situation. I made her a meal last week and I'm going to watch her munchkins while she goes to the doctors this Thursday, but I feel so frustrated that there is nothing else I can do, nothing to take her pain and sadness away. I hate watching my loved ones go through heartache. It is such a helpless feeling to have to watch.
I didn't make my decision to do a home birth public, because I thought it was a personal thing and I only told my family and a few close friends. I also didn't feel like dealing with all the naysayers. So because I kept it private, I was dealing with all the emotions surrounding this disappointment privately as well. However I still feel foolish for being so affected by it. And feeling the guilt of being such a ninny about not having my own way, @ least my baby is safe inside me, and however the Lord chooses to bring her into the world, then I am going to be thankful. I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on with life. And I can't help but think, maybe there is a bigger reason, that I am not able to have her at home. Maybe God is orchestrating all of this.
Please pray for my friend and her family as they go through this loss.
(Kevin and Me, Photo taken by Andrea)
